PART FOUR - Your guide to staying away from the cray cray, and having fun while planning a wedding and being a fiancé. Read the first, second, and third instalments on the blog!
In the fourth and final instalment of our series of surviving wedding planning, and maybe even enjoying it (honestly, we could get to part eleventy billion because of the cluster fiz that planning can turn into, but I have a life to live, so four parts will have to do ya!) - we find out if you’re a Bridezilla (hint: have you destroyed Tokyo lately?), whether it’s even possible to wear undies with most wedding dresses, to ‘first look’ or not to ‘first look’ and how to say ‘to hell with your expectations’. Hint: you just say it.
Am I being a Bridezilla?
Have you yelled at more than one person today?
Have you cried and run off and slammed a door recently?
Are you part woman, part giant mutant murderous creature?
Have you torn anyone limb from limb lately?
How many buildings have your smashed up?
Have you ever attempted to destroy Tokyo?
Do you tend to grab aircraft right out of the sky and eat them?
If you have done these things, I dunno, maybe you’re a Bridezilla. Maybe not. I actually think it’s a total 100% bullshit term, designed by the media or the patriarchy or some jerk to demonise women who dare to be assertive and have expectations of people. Some may even say terms like this are designed to shut you up and keep you in your place.
The whole Bridezilla thing is - according to me and my wedding industry pals - not actually a thing, at least with the terrific, kind and fab customers we seem to attract. Almost three years in this biz, and I’ve never dealt with a Bridezilla, but I’ve had HEAPS of lovely lady clients ask for something and then say, “I’m sorry for being a Bridezilla about this.” SAY WHAAAA? You made a very reasonable request in a polite manner, there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m not saying go around being a dick to people, plants or animals. That’s not cool. Be nice, be polite, but don’t apologise for existing and for asking for things from your chosen vendors. We are here to provide a product and a service, and any reputable business will try to accommodate you wherever they can.
And if someone calls you a Bridezilla, pick them up, tear them in half and throw them over to the other side of town. Good day to you, name caller.
Is it even possible to wear undies under wedding dresses?
My BFF WhatsApp'd me very concerned about her ability to wear undies in basically every dress she’s laid eyes on. A valid concern, when so many dresses are very slinky, fitted, clingy and WHITE. The mere thought of a pair of undies seems like a terrible #fashun disaster in the making. And for that matter, bras! Backless gowns are so hot right now and that’s going to freak some people out because what on earth will they use for bosom support?
Most of us are not models, and the wearing of undergarments has become a bit of a habit we’d rather not kick, especially in front of 120 of our nearest and dearest. So, here are some ideas on how to tackle this:
Be brave and go try on the dresses anyway - there are tonnes of underwear options, so it’s best to choose the dress before spending your dollars on specialised torture wear, I mean underwear, soz.
Consider putting ‘comfy’ and ‘doesn’t require industrial grade underwear’ on your non-negotiables list.
Ask the dress designer/purveyor/retailer for their thoughts on the right underwear for a particular dress/outfit. They often sew in bra cups and linings etc to assist with covering all your chosen bits to your preferred level of modesty. One gal told me that her dressmaker ordered her to go buy a particular neck-to-knee-flesh-coloured underwear arrangement. Like actually ordered her to do so. Sheesh.
Ask your pals what they wore under their dresses - probs some sort of corset type thing or industrial grade shapewear like Spanx. There is also Hollywood Fashion Tape to hold fabric in place against skin. Some people use it over their nipples, but beware! I have heard some tape-ripping nipple-shredding horror stories, so if you value your nips, consider a lightweight adhesive bra (available at underwear stores) or sticky bra cups - though ensure you have an experienced sticky bra cup applier on hand as they are not easy to get on straight, and they are hard to remove and reapply if you get it wrong.
Wear regular (colour appropriate) underwear and say ‘I don’t give a rat’s behind about undie lines, I am FREEEEEEEEE’.
Buy an outfit (doesn't have to be a dress! Surprise!) that doesn't require complex underwear solutions. It’s good to be realistic here - if you have big boobs, sticky bras will be useless to you. If you find even a bikini brief uncomfy, then you are going to hate Spanx with the power of a thousand suns. They are the epitome of discomfort and often make going to the toilet a time consuming, sweaty misery (if you’re wearing one of the boob-to-knee type contraptions along with a big ol’ wedding dress). How Kim K wears two sets of Spanx AT ONCE is just more evidence that she is a robot, and thus does not feel anything, nor need to use the bathroom.
I cannot decide if we should do a ‘first look’. Will it ruin the ceremony? What even is a first look?
A ‘first look’ is when you and your betrothed meet prior to the ceremony to have photos. Your photographer will get shots of you seeing each other for the first time, hence, the ‘first look’. They’ll also do any location shots and portraits at this time, so that you’ll be able to remain at your wedding after the ceremony, rather than buggering off for seven hundred hours of photos.
With my time over again, I would definitely do this. Because a) why not spend more of your wedding day together? And b) getting photos out of the way so you can actually be at your own wedding with you guests is very appealing. There’s champagne to be drunk and compliments to be received for goodness sakes.
And your ceremony won’t be ruined - your partner seeing you come down the aisle and vice versa will still be a super charged amazing, unforgettable moment for you both and most likely still produce some great photos. Because hello! You’ve already seen each other, but you are about to marry, so it’s pretty special moment regardless.
As for the idea that seeing each other prior to the wedding is bad luck. SIGH. Surely you know what I am going to say next? GIVE ME A BREAK. I cannot even be bothered to dignify this ‘tradition’ by Googling it to see where it came from.
OK fine, I Googled it. And it goes back to when most marriages were arranged by one’s families. People weren’t allowed to see each other in the lead up - presumably to avoid them deserting their betrothed for a new life on Mars or in Dubbo and bring shame on their family. Good lord. If my Dad was in charge of choosing my life partner, I would currently be married to James Hird, and my life would be in the toilet, alongside his. Poor James. Talk about bringing shame on the family.
If you are disagree, I wish you luck not stepping on cracks, not walking under ladders and avoiding black cats.
Other people’s expectations are really getting me down. What to do!
Everyone has opinions on everything. Some people think it’s fine to express them. Run screaming from those people. Unless they are a loved one or your boss, you are under no obligation to give people your time.
I see lots of people on wedding groups and forums being upset with this person or that person because they are not supportive of various parts of the wedding. Given the exciting and pervasive nature of wedding planning, it’s easy to start telling everyone what you are doing and what you’ve chosen.
So, take a breath before you relay things to opinionated or unsupportive people. If you think they are going to be annoying about it, you’re probably right, and no amount of expertly explaining the intricacies of your florist’s designs is going to change the mind of a person who thinks wedding flowers are a waste of money.
Pick who you tell things to. For your own sanity.
Take the ‘new tattoo’ approach to sharing information. When I’m planning to get a new tattoo, I don’t really tell people about it - which is greatly at odds with my usual free and open approach to interpersonal communication.
Tattoos are like weddings in that everyone has opinions and 46 supporting anecdotes to shore up their thinking. Everyone knows a guy who got ‘Born too loose’ tattooed by mistake, and did you hear about the kid who got the McDonalds receipt tattooed on his arm? You can horrify yourself here with 40 odd other examples of terrible, horribly terrible tattoos.
Yep there are lots of shit tatts out there, but I don’t care what you think about the ‘types’ of people who get tattoos or that you think old people with tattoos look silly.
I don’t tell people who I know will want to talk me out of it or say that I’m making a mistake. So, I tell about four people. Works great!
It's not you, it's me
Don’t forgot to delve just a tiny bit into what’s driving these feelings. Are they real life issues or are they actually a series of conversations you’ve had with yourself? Worrying what people will think about your decisions? Worrying that they’ll weigh you down with their expectations? If it’s all in your head, then give yourself a mother flipping break and skip the worrying til there is actually an life issue IRL.
HO HO HO you say, as if people are making up their worries. But it’s true, Santa Claus - an engaged pal was really worried about people’s expectations of what her wedding should be, but when pushed, she realised her worries were in fact fictitious projections of worst case scenarios - no one had yet pooh poohed not wanting to contribute to landfill via a bombonierre, or been critical of not wanting speeches, it was just anxiety that doing non-traditional things would be met with resistance.
There is a LOT of pressure to have a perfect, fabulous wedding, that’s timeless but contemporary, elegant but edgy, fun and relaxed and energetic and chill and stylish and cool, not too expensive or ostentatious but not stingy or tacky, interesting, love filled, emotional and blah goddamn blah! You’re expected to look amazing and be amazing and glide through it all with an #IWokeUpLikeThis #Flawless vibe [see also ‘look at my perfect love story; we are MEANT TO BE] that is very far from how many feel, when trying to pull off what can be an enormous project, while also continuing the life and relationships and work that you also took care of prior to getting engaged. I need a nap, an espresso and four lines of coke to recover from the stress of just typing that.
Give yourselves a break pals - do what you want and have fun along the way. And try not to have too many conversations that are only in your head. Good day!
If you missed the other instalments, check them out below.
Part I - Staying sane, avoiding stress, the best rings for chubby sausage fingers and where all the great wedding dresses are hiding.
Part II - Guests numbers, avoiding all the 'good advice' from 'annoying people', budgets, what order to book things in and how to have a wedding that doesn't look like everyone else's
Part III - How not to kill one's family, how to stop your sister rolling her eyes at you, dealing with bridesmaids who are being dicks, getting people to respect your wishes; SO EASY!